When Neuroscience-Backed Parenting and the Teachings of Jesus Converge
Exploring intersections of developmental psychology, whole-brain child development, and Christian parenting values.
I’ve seen a lot on the internet about how certain “modern parenting norms” and research-backed parenting advice run contrary to Christian beliefs or so-called “Christian parenting values.” As a psychotherapist and a Christian myself, I think that’s really wrong. I needed to parse out how I arrived at this conclusion, so this essay was born. The parenting shifts that are happening, those rooted in applied neuroscience and developmental psychology, are actually really good and even surprisingly aligned with Jesus-lovin’ values.
We’ve come so far in the last two decades in our understanding of child development, interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB), neuroscience, and attachment - all facets of the biology that Christians proclaim God created. This data about how babies’ and children’s brains grow and thrive has led to important changes in parenting and discipline methods. Which is good news because there are a lot of things that older generations simply didn’t know or, quite frankly, got wrong.
So I’m going to share some of those things here - the parenting shifts being criticized by some (not all, but some) Christians (and non-Christians, too) - and then also tell you why I think they line up really beautifully with the character and teachings of Jesus.
#1. Connection before correction
Your connection with your child is the most powerful tool in your toolbelt as a parent. When a child is securely attached and has a nervous system that expects (more often than not) to receive emotional support, safety, and soothing from their caregiver when they reach/are in distress, there is a very high likelihood that they will (within reason) want to follow you, listen to you, and learn from you. The most powerful drive children have is to stay in relationship with their primary caregivers.
This is literally the heart of Jesus’s ministry. Before He ever asked people to change their behavior, He always drew near to them with radical compassion, attunement, nurture, and a genuine desire to intimately know His sheep. God himself is triune and in perpetual pursuit of human relationship (not power, control, or rule - relationship).
Many neuroscience-informed approaches to parenting (think: Whole-Brain Child & No Drama Discipline by Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson, Beyond Behaviors by Mona Delahooke, Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy, and Tiny Humans, Big Emotions by Alyssa Blask Campbell & Lauren Elizabeth Stauble) are all advocating for and teaching one very important thing: there is immense value in connecting with your toddler/child (physically getting on their level, validating their emotions, softening your face/lowering your tone of voice) before offering behavioral corrections. When children feel seen, heard, and respected - when they feel a safe connection with us - it positions their brains in “learning mode”. Here, they are capable of listening, pivoting, and making new choices. Here, their physiology has an opportunity to regulate, to shift out of self-protection/defense mode (which is almost always where they are if they’re not cooperating), and into connection with their safe adult who is there to guide them and teach them skills.
#2. The importance of emotion validation
Emotions are God-given signals and neurobiological messengers. When we teach our kids to understand their emotions as such, they learn they don’t have to suppress or hide their authentic feelings to remain connected to us (or God).
Infants, toddlers, and kids are highly emotional, and it’s not because they’re “dramatic” or “bad”; it’s simply because the part of their brain responsible for logic and reason is majorly underdeveloped, and the right side of their brain (emotions side) develops first. Their rational brain (pre-frontal cortex) is built through repeated experiences of borrowing our prefrontal cortex via co-regulation. When we validate our kids’ emotions, which we now know is a crucial part of building secure attachment, it signals safety to their brains and nervous systems; this positions their minds and bodies to be able to listen to us and cooperate more effectively.
Never in the Bible does Jesus ridicule, shame, or condemn someone for expressing any human emotion. Literally, never. Never does he ask them to suppress their sadness or anger - He actually teaches them to lament. He himself was a man who experienced and expressed emotion, often with great intensity.
When therapists endorse emotion validation, we are not endorsing letting emotion and only emotion guide all behaviors and decisions, and we are not saying all behavior in response to big emotion is healthy or beneficial (*more on boundary setting later, keep reading).
We are simply saying: emotions have good reasons for showing up, and we should acknowledge them, not dismiss them. And, Christians, I love ya’ll, I do, but we are often the worst of the worst in terms of emotional and spiritual bypassing, using scripture-taken-out-of-context, or memory verses to desperately try and cognitively override what our biology is so clearly asking us to witness, accept, and honor.
Believers, authentic emotions aren’t a barrier to knowing God; they’re often profound portals to His compassionate presence in our pain.
#3. The shift away from punishment and letting natural consequences be the consequences
Punishment isn’t an effective teaching tool (and neuroscience says so now / this isn’t debatable anymore). Study after study has confirmed that the fear center of our brain (the amygdala) lights up in the face of verbal threats, harsh tones of voice, and physical punishments. They shift our bodies into self-protection mode (fight/flight/freeze/fawn), and the part of the brain responsible for learning and decision making (prefrontal cortex) goes offline, making “learning a lesson” nearly impossible. When children experience punishment in the name of “discipline”, they learn to comply from a place of fear, dysregulation, or shame, not from a place of authentic relational safety.
The word “discipline” means to “teach,” not to punish. And kids can’t learn if their bodies and brains are dysregulated and armored. Kids can’t learn if they aren’t connected.
Jesus’s way of teaching was highly relational, rooted in love (not power or rule), and He always (always) led with and prioritized His desire for a secure attachment with his followers. He also let his followers experience natural consequences when they strayed - but he let the lesson be the lesson, and he moved on. No grudge. No overly berrating a point, and never any shame.
God also says He will never leave us, that He will remain near no matter what we do or how we act. Time-outs, silent treatments, and using separation as a way to “teach” skills (i.e.: CIO sleep training methods, locking kids in their rooms, disconnecting during conflict - physically or emotionally) are not being recommened anymore, and for good, scientific reasons. They are not only misaligned with the character of God but are really scary for our kids’ developing brains.
Based on the way their developing brains work, these tactics signal threat, no matter how kind the tone may be, and no matter how nicely the punishment is delievered. They teach littles to detach from others and themselves in order to cope with the pain of separation and the relationship being threatened. “Time-ins” are an incredible alternative, where we stay close, co-regulate, and help them problem-solve the situation. Google it! And thank me later.
#4. Repairing after rupture
God and Jesus are both in the business of restoring connection, always and in all ways. Reconciliation is the heartbeat of God. When we apologize and repair after we mess up, after our own nervous system dysregulation and emotional immaturity get in the way of our parenting, there is such an opportunity for us to model reconciliation, humility, and maturity. In these moments, children learn that safe relationships can survive rupture. Their nervous systems learn that coming back into connection is always possible. And what a reflection of God’s posture toward us!
And here’s a fun science fact for you: neuroscientists have found that parental repair after conflict strengthens the connectivity between the child’s hippocampus and prefrontal cortex - regions responsible for memory and developing empathy. Nurturing this connection leads to significant gains in a child’s resiliency and brain integration. It also means that they will be far less likely to associate “conflict” with “threat”, and the association will be with “safety” instead (and holy moly, what a gift that many of us didn’t get).
#5. Authoritative vibes
Jesus modeled behavioral boundaries, as did God. I think what’s happening in this particular cultural moment (in regard to parenting) is that Christians and non-Christians alike are criticizing permissive parenting (rightfully so) and confusing what child development experts are teaching. No one - not one of the major parenting voices right now - not a single author of those books I linked at the beginning of this post - is endorsing permissive parenting, a parenting style where expectations or limits are absent, where there is only high nurture and very low structure.
What we (therapists, psychologists, professionals w/ backgrounds in child development) are endorsing is respect, nurture, confident leadership, attachment, and cooperation - none of which run contrary to biblical teachings. We’re endorsing what I’d like to call “authoritative vibes” and mutual respect.
A lot of traditional Christian parenting (not all, but a lot of it) tends to air on the authoritarian side, where there are high expectations, low nurture, and little regard for developmental truths about children. And gosh, there has been so much harm done by those “disciplining” from this space. Cherry-picked scripture taken out of context, an incomplete view of God’s character, and emotionally immature leaders with a lot of power and influence (big egos, a whole lotta shame), likely with a lot of unresolved trauma, all have contributed to this.
Both Scripture and science invite us beyond authoritarian and permissive parenting toward healthier ways of guiding children. When we operate from an authoritative lens, structure, developmentally appropriate expectations, and abundant nurture can coexist.
A few closing thoughts / general reflections:
Listening to experts in fields of child development, attachment, and neuroscience, and making shifts in parenting accordingly, is really wise - especially shifts that involve centering relationship over rule and control.
God himself told us to become like little children, and in Jesus’s ministry, He never stopped pursuing, nurturing, and respecting the hearts and minds of the smallest among us. He held them in the highest possible regard in a culture that primarily did not. Children matter, deeply. Their formation matters, deeply.
Our parenting imprints an internal picture in our children—shaping how they imagine God and what they believe His character to be. Attachment research shows that children form internal working models of relationships based on early caregiving experiences, and studies in the psychology of religion suggest these models often extend to how children conceptualize God’s presence, availability, and character.
Acknowledging this isn’t some call to a standard of perfect parenting that no imperfect human could ever attain. That’s not the point. The point isn’t pressure or perfection. The point is that the fields of attachment, neuroscience, and developmental psychology are giving us new and better tools to help us cultivate secure connections with our littles based on how their bodies and brains work. The point is that we should listen, especially if we profess that God made our bodies intentionally and thoughtfully.
It’s been said to me from several folks, actually, that a lot of Christians have issues with Dr. Becky Kennedy’s work because she thinks kids are all “good inside”, and some Christians think she’s morally or theologically wrong because of the doctrine of sin. And if that’s you, my ask is this: are you willing to consider that the reality of sin is no more or less than the realities and other truths that coexist all around it? And are you willing to consider how not seeing your child as “good inside” might be inadvertently causing you to see them through a more critical lens, in a way that doesn’t reflect the posture of a radically loving, deeply compassionate God?
We are good and bad, light and dark, sinners and saints. The truest thing about us - and our children - is that we are Beloved, and that seal and stamp of belonging always - always - comes before the word “sinner”. God sees so much goodness when He sees us, and His delight in us is boundless. And our parenting, especially as Christians, should reflect that above all else.
Also, Dr. Kennedy has some baller resources that might really help you strengthen your connection with your kid(s).
And I believe with my whole heart that children are good inside.
They are doing the best they can with the skills that they have and with seriously underdeveloped brains.
They are unbelievable gifts, image bearers, and light-shiners, and we need them as much as they need us.
Children are some of the most admirable teachers, actually - we just don’t always have eyes to see it. Giving them the benefit of the doubt and seeking to be curious and attuned to the needs and messages underneath what has historically been labeled “bad behavior” is not permissive. In fact, it’s scientifically smart, and I believe, Christian.
And one last thing, and then I’m really going to wrap this thing up.
We can teach our kids to memorize Scripture about God and His love all day long, to know cognitively about God. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s beautiful and good. I support it. I think we should do that.
AND.
Through our embodied relationship with our children and our character as parents, children learn the nearness, attunement, and love of God. This is the learning that’s imprinted on a cellular level, it goes beyond what words can say. This learning extends beyond cognitive knowledge, shaping a secure, nervous-system-level sense that God is trustworthy, present, and safe.
As parents, we will rupture. We will fall short. We will fall apart. We will mess it up so many times, and we will not be loving at all times because we are not God. Goodness knows, I have messed up more times than I can count. I do not write and share this from a place of having arrived, or even from a place of having every answer to every question. I write from a place of passion and purpose, as both an imperfect parent and a professional who has, from the beginning of my career (and honestly even before that), felt called to be an advocate for children, and more recently, feel called to wrap my arms around parents as they navigate their unique parenting journey.
My earnest hope is that what science is teaching us about the brains and nervous systems of our babies, toddlers, and children will propel us to do things differently, not from a place of shame nor from a place of pride, but from a place of awareness, integration, and humility.
With love,
Rachel
(P.S. Parenting is really hard. And it’s hard for a lot of reasons. But parenting is mostly hard because it holds a mirror up to our wounds (whether we ask it to or not), wounds that may have already been witnessed and healed, but for many, wounds that were buried, supressed or, for Christians, often spiritually bypassed. Parenting often magnifies nervous system dysregulation that may have never been tended to. So here is my shameless plug that therapy is cool, and not only is it cool, but it’s HELPFUL, especially somatic, trauma, and nervous-system informed therapy that heals at the root. So, if you’re feeling really triggered by your kids’ big feelings, have a hard time staying connected to them during episodes of said-big-feelings, and feel very dysregulated most of the time, I would genuinely love to connect you with someone who could help. Lucky for you, I know really smart and compassionate providers who do this work (and do it very, very well). And if I don’t know you personally, I can be this for you, too! Because you deserve support in your journey of showing up as the parent you want to be. Like, really, I mean that. Emotional health & spiritual health haven’t always gone hand and hand but the science is really showing us that they can…and they must.