Swimming upstream with a broken paddle

Helping you help your kids have a positive relationship with food and exercise in a culture that is really confused and mostly harmful.

If you’ve followed me for any time, you probably know that within the field of counseling, I specialize in the treatment of eating disorders. It’s the focus of my clinical work, and I am passionate about prevention as much as I am about treatment. Week after week, I spend a lot of time talking with clients in recovery who are learning how to have a healthy, more mindful relationship with food and movement. By nature of working with a lot of adolescents and teens, I also spend a lot of time educating families about what to do (and what not to do) to support their loved one recovering at home and healing their relationship with food and movement. 

Briefly, let me offer some information about eating disorders that might surprise you. Though it’s not the focus of this article, I want to provide context. Many people think of eating disorders (EDs) as being rare. And I deeply wish that were true! But they’re not. 1 and 10 people will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. Because of the stereotypes and misconceptions about EDs, the majority of people struggling do not seek treatment (about 80%). Back in 2020, I published a 2-part blog series on debunking common eating disorder myths and if you want to educate yourself, I encourage you to read those and come back to this later.

One of the things I’m passionate about is working with parents, equipping them with tools to help them help their kids develop a positive relationship with food, movement, and their bodies. I recently had a parent tell me that doing this often feels like “swimming upstream with a broken paddle”, referencing the fact that we live in a culture that makes this incredibly challenging (more on that in a bit). There is so much misinformation readily available now, and this is especially true when it comes to “facts” about food, nutrition, and health. How the heck are we supposed to navigate it all?

As parents, we have incredible influence over shaping our children’s beliefs about food, exercise, and their bodies. The point of this post is to give you some practical, research-backed tips to guide you as you guide your children. As parents, we cannot 100% control whether our kids will develop eating disorders or develop habits that fall on the disordered eating spectrum. Even if we do the best job, even if we do all the right things to fight the social and cultural constructs that influence them, we cannot guarantee that our child won’t suffer from one. And while that sucks, we also know there are things we can be doing in our homes and families to set our kids up for success. 

1. Educate yourself about diet culture (and then go teach your kids about it)

“Diet culture” can sometimes be really difficult to put a finger on because it is so highly normalized and so rarely questioned. However it is a massive contributor to the development of eating disorders and disordered eating, so if we want to prevent this, we have to work to dismantle diet culture and make the world safer for people of all different body sizes. 

I’ve written a lot about diet culture, both on Instagram and my old blog so I’m not going to do a deep dive here. In a nutshell, “diet culture” refers to our culture’s obsession with thinness at any cost. It’s really hard to offer a full picture of what diet culture is because it is truly so many things. I appreciate how Christy Harrison defines diet culture in this blog post. If you are a parent trying to help your kids cultivate a healthy relationship with food and their bodies, knowing about and understanding diet culture is really important. 

Here’s the tea, in case you haven’t heard: diets don’t work, even the ones that are masked as “lifestyle changes” or marketed as “wellness trends”, and they’re a significant predictor of disordered eating and eating disorders. Moreso, we actually know now that diets are linked to weight cycling, and weight cycling is linked to poorer health outcomes. If you notice that your kid or teen is restricting their food intake, or restricting certain foods/food groups, or all of a sudden becomes fixated on ingredients or “eating clean”, you need to start asking questions. Don’t blow it off - early intervention is key.

Diet culture isn’t just about “diets”, though. Really - at its core - diet culture is about a hierarchy of bodies and which ones are supposedly more worthy and acceptable than others (i.e.: fat = bad; thin = good). And that messaging, those beliefs, are problematic. One way we get to set our kids up for success is to help them notice diet culture when they hear it and teach them to challenge it, no matter how normalized it is.

2. Model a non-punitive, non-compensatory relationship with exercise and movement

In an ideal world, everyone would exercise and move their bodies not because they hate them or are trying to change them but because exercise and movement have wonderful mental and physical health benefits beyond changing our physical appearance. But we don’t live in an ideal world and what diet culture has normalized is exercise that is punitive, compensatory (i.e.: to “make up” for eating something “bad”), compulsive, and primarily to maintain a certain aesthetic. And because we have normalized this (despite it being disordered and largely unhelpful), many, many humans have a disordered relationship with exercise.

Kids learn what you believe based on what you do not by what you say. So if they see that your exercise routines are rigid, compulsive, and compensatory, they’re going to likely follow in your footsteps. We have an opportunity as parents to model something different, something counter-cultural so that our kids might view movement as an opportunity for positive embodiment - a chance to connect with their bodies in a meaningful way - instead of a dreaded obligation. We have an opportunity to model movement as something that celebrates our bodies, something that decreases stress/anxiety (*if it’s not done compulsively), improves mental health, and even helps us be more creative. 

One way that you can model healthy movement is by making relational connection a part of your movement and exercise routines. This can help kids see and understand that movement doesn’t have to be tied to weight maintenance or weight loss but that it can be about connection with family and friends (think: family hikes, evening walks with friends, and/or the joy of community within the context of an organized sport).

Another practical way you can help your kids cultivate a positive relationship with exercise is by normalizing rest days or weeks and modeling flexibility (i.e.: the world doesn’t end if/when a workout just doesn’t happen). Modeling resting when you’re sick or intentionally choosing a slower-paced way of moving your body (i.e.: restorative yoga or stretching) can help teach your kids to listen to and trust their bodies. 

3. Throw away your scales

Unpopular opinion here: There is no reason why your kids need to see scales in your bathroom. If you’re someone who weighs yourself regularly and you’re committed to doing that, your scale needs to be stored somewhere away from your kid’s eyesight. 

We must start to untangle our understanding of health from an obsession with weight. We can prioritize our health without focusing on weight. If you haven’t already read about how the BMI is total and complete crackerjacks, you really should educate yourself on that. 

One of my colleagues here in Nashville just posted a great blog post that dives into 5 reasons to get rid of your scale. I recommend you read her post! But in a nutshell, here are 5 reasons Jess gives to ditch the scale: 

• It’s never “good” enough

• The scale is taking something away from you

• Fluctuations WILL happen (and should happen)

• The focus stays on weight instead of health 

• It has a negative impact on your relationship with food and your body (*and this isn’t just my opinion, it’s backed by several research studies)

Ditching the scale can be scary at first but it’s ultimately really empowering and freeing to learn that you can trust yourself and that you are truly so much more than a number. The number reflected on a scale tells you one thing and only one thing: your relationship to gravity! 

4. Prioritize family meals 

One of my favorite Instagram accounts is Feeding Littles. They’ve been super helpful to me as I navigate the early stages of feeding with my daughter, and I appreciate that they’re non-diet aligned and eating disorder-informed. One of the things they and others teach about is the importance of family meals and eating together as it relates to a child’s relationship with food. 

Prioritizing family meals helps to teach your kids that food is more than just calories, vitamins, and “fuel”. Food is those things but it’s also more than that: food is connection, community, pleasure, and celebration. When we prioritize family meals we’re communicating that slowing down enough to come together around the table and commune with one another is important. It also allows you to model Intuitive Eating (more on this later), encourage exposure to new foods, and practice healthy communication skills. 

Family meals are a known, research-backed, protective factor against disordered eating and eating disorders which means that they lower a person’s risk. Prioritizing family meals is not about perfection and it is entirely unrealistic to think that every day you will do this. You can make it a priority and show yourself and your partner grace when it just doesn’t happen.

5. Language matters - ditch the food labels and judgments

One of the ways that diet culture has messed us up is by categorizing foods as “good” and “bad”. The labels and judgments go far beyond just these: “sinful”, “guilty pleasure”, “cheat food”, “toxic”, “superfood”, “empty calories” and “dirty”, just to name a few. While we can certainly talk about some foods being more nutrient-dense than others, there is no need and no benefit to labeling foods in this way and it can be harmful to a child’s developing sense of food and themselves. Part of this is because kids’ brains are insanely literal. So when they hear a parent say, “Donuts are bad”, they’re literally going to interpret that as, “Donuts are dangerous and something bad could happen to me if I eat it.” And this is not the kind of reaction that I want my kid to have over a donut. 

I work closely with several dieticians and nutritionists in the recovery space, and I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned from them over the years. Every single one of them will tell you this: call broccoli, “broccoli”, call ice cream, “ice cream”, and call pasta, “pasta.” Label things as they are and avoid judgment and categories. Even when we do so intending to help our kids become “healthy eaters”, the research is very clear: it backfires.

A phrase that is said a lot in the recovery space is that “all foods can fit” and unless you have legitimate food allergies, this is abundantly true. Help your kids develop a non-judgemental approach to food and teach them that so many diverse kinds of foods - from kale grown in your backyard to road trip essentials like gummy worms - can fit and belong in their diet. 

6. Learn about Intuitive Eating 

Much of what I’ve mentioned here already stems from the beliefs that make up Intuitive Eating. While many people just think about Intuitive Eating (IE) as the “hunger and fullness diet”, it is not that and it is so much more comprehensive and holistic. If you haven’t heard about IE before, I strongly encourage you to read about it. Intuitive Eating is based on these 10 principles: 

• Reject the diet mentality

• Honor your hunger 

• Make peace with food

• Challenge the 'food police'

• Discover the satisfaction factor

• Feel your fullness

• Cope with your feelings with kindness 

• Respect your body

• Movement - feel the difference 

• Honor your health - Gentle Nutrition 

These principles have changed my life, and I can say with confidence that they will be the framework that guides me as I teach my daughter about food and her body. That being said, there are so many misconceptions about IE, one of the main ones being that it neglects the role of nutrition. It does not. What it does is situate it in its proper place, within the context of first establishing a healthy relationship with food. 

There is a phenomenal book called How to Raise an Intuitive Eater that I think belongs on every parent’s nightstand. Written by two dieticians, it is a practical and helpful guide for parents who want to help their children develop a healthy mindset and relationship with food. 

7. Teach your kid that their body is RAD because they are alive not because it looks a certain way 

If you live in this current cultural moment, your children will inevitably learn in some way or another that their appearance and body size is incredibly important in maintaining their worthiness, belonging, and status as a human being. Yes, even with the rise of movements like body positivity and body neutrality, these messages will reach your children, and yes, I hate it, too. 

The neat thing is that at home, we can protect against some of the harmful messaging by instilling other, more helpful, and kind beliefs. One of the ways that we can do this is through encouraging body positivity. The body positivity movement is not without flaws but body-positive messaging can be powerful! You can instill body positivity by communicating to your children that their body - no matter the shape and size or how it changes throughout their life - is worthy and good. We can also encourage body positivity by normalizing things that our culture wrongly scrutinizes like belly rolls, body hair, cellulite, and *gasp* even weight gain. 

Another option to consider is something called body neutrality. I wrote a blog post on body neutrality back in 2021 so if you want a deeper dive, you can go read that. Essentially, unlike body positivity, body neutrality takes the focus away from appearances and towards celebrating and honoring how our bodies show up for us and take care of us (i.e.: our amazing hearts keep us alive, our legs help us explore new places, and our taste buds allow us to savor foods). We can help our kids cultivate a more positive body image by, ironically, helping them see that their body is so much more than an image or an object. 

8. Expose your children to diverse picture books at a young age 

One of my greatest joys as a mother is reading with Emmy before bed. As a former elementary school teacher, I’m particular about the books she has in her library. The stories that we read shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world, as do the illustrations that we’re exposed to as a young child. I have been intentional about making sure she has picture books that represent body diversity and size diversity. I want her to see that bodies come in many different shapes and sizes. Brontorina, Her Body Can, and Fry Bread are three of my favorites. This is also a great resource for books that talk about food and nutrition in a non-diet way. 

As kids get older and if you start to notice diet culture in the books they’re reading (because this will happen), it’s a really neat opportunity to start a conversation with them. In developmentally appropriate ways, you can start to help them get curious about what the messages are underneath the messages. For example, if you notice that a book is making an association with certain foods and fat bodies, you can ask them things like, “What is this author assuming about food or that person’s body?” You can follow up with, “What do you think about that? Do you have any different beliefs or thoughts? Is there something that this author is assuming that might not be accurate?”

I’m equally as passionate about raising a critical thinker as I am about raising a body-positive, body-kind child.

9. Have a candid chat with your child’s pediatrician

Sadly, one of the places where people experience weight stigma the most is both within their family systems and at the doctor’s office. It’s truly unfortunate but our healthcare system can sometimes knowingly (and sometimes unknowingly) perpetuate many myths about health and size. While doctors are incredibly educated humans, they’re not usually educated about eating disorders; in fact, many of them don’t learn even the basics about eating disorders in medical school. I was pretty shocked when I first learned about this. 

When you go to the doctor, what’s the very first thing that you do? Step on a scale. And that might seem benign to you but it’s not and for someone with a genetic predisposition to an eating disorder, this is especially unhelpful. I don’t mean to sound like a Debbie Downer but I don’t have a lot of hope that this is ever going to change (even though it should based on the science…yes, science…that proves it). 

One thing that you can do, however, is to have a candid chat with your child’s pediatrician about a few things. You can tell them that if they have concerns about your child’s weight, that should be discussed without your child in the room. You can also let them know that it’s not necessary to discuss food with your child, that you have that covered as their parent and if they have concerns about that, they can discuss it with you privately. You’re allowed to be direct with your child’s medical providers about your values and you’re allowed to set boundaries around what kinds of things should not be said (and if you have a doctor who gets saucy with you or is incredibly weight-centric in their approach, you’re also allowed to find a new doctor).

(**A quick note here: did you know that you can ask not to be weighed at the doctor’s office? You can ask them whether or not it’s crucial for your visit, and unless you’re getting anesthesia, it’s not typically crucial. If you have a history of an ED and/or disordered eating, and if stepping on a scale is triggering for you, you can also ask to be weighed blind or you can turn and face the other direction and ask them to not disclose your weight to you. And if this feels awkward to you - because it is, especially because of the power differential at doctors’ offices - you can print and hand the nurse this card. I LOVE these (seriously, everyone should know about them)!

10. Heal your stuff 

I intentionally left this as the last “tip” because I recognize that every person reading these words comes to them with unique body stories and journeys. Some of you might have recovered from an eating disorder. Some of you might be recovering or maybe contemplating recovery. Some of you are scared out of your mind about passing some of your unresolved food and body stuff down to your kids because you don’t want them to struggle like you have. Wherever you are, it’s okay. Truly. I hope that you will practice self-compassion in this moment. Shame never leads to sustainable growth and healing.

One of the best ways that we can help our kids is by first helping ourselves, and if you’re struggling with your body, food, and movement, you deserve to get help and work through it. It’s the whole, put your own oxygen mask on first kind of thing. The healing work you do for yourself will positively impact your kids, empowering you to break cycles and authentically (and imperfectly) model positive embodiment. If we want to teach our kids that their bodies are more than objects, that they are so much more than mere images to be scrutinized and judged, we get to step up to the plate and learn to embody body kindness for ourselves.

And you are so capable of doing that work.

With love,

Rachel