Really Good Reads

A clinical therapists take on 3 parenting books that are worth your money, time, and attention.

I get it. You're a new parent, and your margin for reading parenting books is, well…you have no margin. There are so many book options and too much parenting noise on social media (so much noise), how do you decide what’s worth reading?

I wanted to share my 3 favorite parenting book recommendations. Am I a parenting “expert?” No. Does my professional background give me some skin in the game in terms of these recommendations? Yes. I’ve spent many years in master’s programs learning about child development, human flourishing, emotion regulation, and healthy relationships. And as a therapist, I hear stories.

I hear stories of parents who are crushing it (imperfectly) and stories of parents whose egos are too big, whose pain is too big (or schedules are too busy) to examine themselves and reevaluate the way they engage with their kids. I hear stories of kids who we’re never taught basic emotion regulation tools because their parents had parents who didn’t know how to teach them either, and I hear stories from teens who desperately just want their parents to see them for who they are, who are pining for authentic connection in a culture that is so tragically disconnected. In the earlier parts of my career, I facilitated a lot of parent-child work and learned from some of the best in my clinical internship. Am I a perfect parent? No. Do I wish more people listened to what therapists have to say about parenting stuff? Yes.

So, here are my top three recommendations. I think these books will equip you, encourage you, and actually give you practical tools (because you don’t have time to read things that aren’t going to give you practical tools).

#1. Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michealeen Doucleff

I am telling you, reading this book was like a warm hug - it gave me permission to exhale. In a parenting culture where there is so much noise but also in a culture where there is so much that is “mainstream” that isn’t actually beneficial for our littles (think, certain 90’s, behaviorist parenting norms), reading this book gave me confidence and permission to relax and follow my intuition (it’s often wiser than even the wisest parenting advice). She shares some truly eye-opening information in the beginning of the book about how certain Western parenting norms came to be and shares what she learned from 3 hunter-gatherer cultures who are raising kids who have far better mental and emotional health outcomes than we do, kids who have strong executive functioning and relational skills, much stronger than the majority of American kids.

It is developmentally and scientifically sound, legitimately fun to read (you will laugh and feel seen), and will help you be a more intentional parent, one who better understands the needs of your children. She teaches a lot about what actually helps littles learn to be cooperative and helpful (spoiler alert, it’s not a chore chart), how to model and encourage emotional intelligence (love to see it), and gives compassion-focused and creative tools for engaging with tantrums. At the end of each chapter, she also gives a “summary” page with key points and takeaways to remember (and my mom brain is very thankful for that)!

#2: No Drama Discipline by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

There aren’t strong enough words to articulate how important this book is. There are so many parents who have no idea how the brains/nervous systems of littles work (and that’s not anyone's “fault” per se, though I do think we have a responsibility to our children to try and learn). Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson are true experts and oodles and oodles of research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and interpersonal neurobiology back this book.

This book is necessary in helping parents understand how crucial it is to stay connected to our kids in the toughest of moments - the moments when our own attachment wounds and nervous system responses are the most activated, the moments where our default programming would rather us react than respond. In this book, they offer practical strategies for connecting with our littles and redirecting behavior (and debunk myths about this approach being “permissive”, as it is far from it). “A fighting dog won’t sit”, they write, and they go into depth explaining why it’s so important that we stay close to our kids when they’re in distress and emphasize the importance of co-regulation before we teach a lesson or redirect behavior.

A resounding message from the book is this: our job as parents is to combine a deep, empathetic connection with clear, kind, and firm boundaries and limits. It offers scripts to use with your kids, great visual images (where my visual learners at?!), and is a fantastic resource not just for engaging and understanding toddlers but also older children, too. Truly, my most effective parenting moments have come from the skills I’ve learned in this book.

One of my favorite quotes from this book is this:

“Connection, in other words, isn’t about spoiling children, coddling them, or inhibiting their independence. When we call for connection, we’re not endorsing what’s become known as helicopter parenting, where parents hover over their children’s lives, shielding them from all struggle and sadness. Connection isn’t about rescuing kids from adversity. Connection is about walking through the hard times with our children and being there for them when they’re emotionally suffering, just like we would if they scraped their knee and were physically suffering. In doing so, we’re actually building independence, because when our children feel safe and connected, and when we’ve helped them build relational and emotional skills by disciplining from a Whole-brain perspective, they’ll feel more and more ready to take on whatever life throws their way.”

(*to note, any books written by Dr. Dan Seigel or Dr. Tina Payne Bryson are worth your time)

#3: Raising Securely Attached Kids: Using Connection-Focused Parenting to Create Confidence, Empathy, and Resilience by Eli Harwood

I don’t know Eli Harwood personally (she’s known on the interwebs as the Attachment Nerd), but I’m publicly professing that I think she’s such a rockstar. If I were really rich and could give copies of this book out to every parent or parent-to-be that I know, I would. It’s that good. And if you’re choosing between the three books I’ve mentioned here, I’d tell you to start with this one.

Eli does a truly remarkable job explaining attachment concepts (and other scientific concepts) in terms that everyone can understand. She integrates concepts from really important voices (people like Dan Seigel and Karen Purvis) and uses humor, humility, and warmth to create a thorough yet succinct and very practical guide for parents. This isn’t just a book that offers the “what” in terms of theory and knowledge; it also gives you a tangible “how” via scripts to use, reflection questions, and invitations to consider how your own “stuff” is showing up in your parenting (and what to do about it).

She teaches how (and why) connection with our littles is our most powerful form of influence and shares guidance about how we can help them navigate big emotions (and explains why this might be hard for us, given our own unique attachment experiences). She discusses how we help cultivate self-confidence (hint: it has a lot to do with your early, relational experiences), engage and model healthy conflict, and create a home high in both structure and nurture (kids need both!!). This book is for parents of kids of all ages. One of the things I love about it is how intentional she is at differentiating strategies and scripts depending on the developmental stages of children/teens.

This book feels like (another) warm hug, like you’re reading it alongside a friend who sees you (and periodically cracks good jokes). It is compassionate, the information is accurate (therapist approved!), and you will finish this book with a robust understanding of the developmental needs of kids.

A word on Connection real quick…

You might have noticed a common theme between all three of these books: an emphasis on connection.

Genuine connection can be hard for many of us *and* our ability to stay connected to our kids in moments of big emotion, distress, and conflict is directly linked to our capacity to stay connected to our own big and distressing emotions when were hurting. In other words, how you engage their emotions - how you respond to them / what you do and don’t do - tells you everything about how you engage your own and, oftentimes, how you’ve coped and survived hard things. If it’s hard for you to be compassionate and curious with your own emotions, it’s going to be hard (and maybe feel really weird!!) for you to be this way with your kids.

One of the invitations of parenthood is this: an invitation to look inward and get honest about how you’ve coped with hard things (trauma/pain, attachment injuries, your own emotions). *Eli’s book does a seriously phenomenal job at this - and it’s cheaper than therapy…although…I think therapy is highly valuable and you should probably go…duh…

And I think from there, once you have this ah-ha moment that I think many conscious parents have, all of us have a choice. You can choose to repeat patterns or you can courageously break them. It’s never too late to heal, it’s never too late to develop a healthier, more attuned relationship with your emotions, and it’s never too late to learn tools for true resiliency (as opposed to emotional or even spiritual bypassing). In fact, I think sometimes our children are the most beautiful (and, at times, painful) mirrors, reflecting what’s unhealed inside of us and what needs compassionate tending to.

I think becoming a parent can be the most profound catalyst for deep healing. And this healing I speak of isn’t about being “perfect” parents - it’s about being attuned, curious parents, parents who are willing to look at how the past might be showing up in the present and commit to the work of paradigm shifting when that invitation comes knocking.

Happy noodling on that idea, friends. It’s one I hope you’ll noodle on (but noodle on it with self-compassion, not self-critiziem, pretty please).

Big love,